I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Randomize
