doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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