i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
