i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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