i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Randomize
