69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
