So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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