Where did you get a picture of my penis
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
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