Cold hands, warm shart.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
