my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
