i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
