apparently the secret to your success is patron
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
