i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
