You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
please don't ironically join a cult
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