What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
She just used a chaser for red wine.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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