I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
