Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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