PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
