i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Someone signed my nipple.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
