I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
