Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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