Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
