sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Randomize
