I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
He shit in the fireplace
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
