I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
