dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
We need to get me chipped asap
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
