She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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