I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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