Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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