Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize