Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
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