If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize