i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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