How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
