are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
