right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
