i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
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