"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
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