Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
