youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
