I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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