I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
