I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
