If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
My dick has a subreddit
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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