All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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