then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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