dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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