I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
my liver is dry heaving
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
