Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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