I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
