i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
