It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
