Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
