I have demons in me.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
