I think i peed on brittanys purse
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
My liver just had a heart attack.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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