I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
