Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
